Some of you might be wondering why I was so happy to be able to have a VBAC. Or maybe I'm wrong and some of you have forgotten what VBAC even means. But it was a pretty big deal to me, and here's why:
After my C Section, and even after I had healed up physically, I hadn't quite healed up emotionally. Some may not know the sadness and grieving that many women do after having a C section. First of all, I just had a baby...my hormones and emotions were 100fold anyway. But I remember watching something on TV a few days after having Will, a moment where a woman gave birth to her new baby, and I started crying. I wanted that. Sure, I had my baby and he was healthy and everything, but I had spent the last 9 months, nay, lifetime! preparing to having my first baby and imagining what the birth moment would be like. But I missed it. Even thinking about that now still makes me sad. I was so drugged from the surgery that the only thing I remember about being there was hearing Aaron tell the nurse his name. I wanted to see the doctor hold my baby up, I wanted to see his slimey body all blue (which scared the crap outta Aaron) and his long blonde hair all...whatever it looked like. I wanted to hold him like they do on TV and cry and try to breastfeed.
The other thing that made me sad was that I had a very different birth story to share. When women get together and chat, the conversation ALWAYS turns to our children, and frequently that involves sharing our various birth stories. Everyone always talks about how long they labored and pushed, etc. But I didn't have that to share, so I felt left out.
But being able to have a VBAC allowed me to reclaim some of those hopes and form those wonderful memories from my son's birth. I remember nearly everything from Lucas's labor and birth and those memories are probably some of the most precious ones I have. It was so exciting (albeit incredibly painful) to be in labor, especially because it happened all on its own. I'm so glad I waited it out, because that moment, 11:30 pm on April 19th, when I jumped out of bed at the searing pain in my abdomen, was actually a great moment. And even though each contraction made me want to jump off a tall building, it was awesome to time them and see them come at regular intervals. I never got any of these experiences with Will's birth. It was like, set alarm for 4 am, get up and showered, go to the hospital. Not that that's always bad, but it was definitely more fun to have it just happen. I can say FUN now that I'm not miserable and pregnant. Three weeks ago I would have said TORTUROUS instead.
So, was it still FUN when I was dying of agonizing pain in the hospital while they poked me with every imaginable needle? Mmmm...no. But it was still nice to be awake for it all. And once that epidural kicked it, it was fun again. Was it fun when I was pushing as hard as I could, stopping only to puke up nothing and wore myself out nary unto death? Definitely not. But it is so great that I can remember that all. I have to say, having a C section first made me appreciate every part of giving birth vaginally. Even the ice chips.
Of course the greatest part, and one of the best moments in my life was when the pressure stopped and the doctor held up my perfect little baby. All my emotions let go and all the tiredness I felt disappeared because it was OVER and here he was, no longer inside me and now a fully functioning member of society. Okay, not really fully functioning...but he could breathe, eat, and sleep. And he loved me already, something that you appreciate a lot more after having a toddler who consistently refuses you.
And another great part of it? The fact that while they fixed the baby up, I ordered a humongous breakfast. NOT a liquid diet.
8 comments:
One of my very best friends here in Chicago had a c-section as well, and just the other day, while we were chatting about birth she became very emotional for the same reasons you talked about. I think that women who have regular births without complications take for granted the honor it is, because we all end up with the same thing, a baby. It opened my eyes a lot.
I'm so happy you were able to go through the standard procedure this time around. You are one of the few who gets to have seen both sides of the experience.
Thank you for sharing all of these posts about your experience. They are so honest. And I know it will help me to feel "normal" when I have struggles with two instead of one. Not that it's all about me! You are a strong person Heidi!
I loved reading this post. It reminded me of the feelings I had when giving birth to Tucker. What an amazing thing! And I'm SO happy that you were able to have a successful VBAC!!! And, in regard to your post below, I'm so sorry that having two kids is so hard and that you're still struggling with the whole nursing thing. (I remember all too well having very similar struggles with Tucker.) I keep praying that our second child is easier (and no, we're not pregnant yet), because right now I'm still TERRIFIED of even the thought of having two kids! (Which of course, we will have lots more, but it just scares me right now!)
I am seriously tearing up reading your story. You know I had a baby and placed him for adoption so I have a lot of emotions behind my delivery. I did have a vaginal delivery but I had a very difficult delivery. The vomiting, the shear pain, and not being able to get the epidural until after 13 hours of hard labor. Yes, I was able to do the pushing and was even able to watch him crown in a mirror, but everything changed very quickly. His heart stopped beating and the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. He was born not breathing with an APGAR score of 1. He continued to be sick and was in the NICU for 4 days. I wasn't able to hold him right afterward or have him in my room. I didn't have the alone time without all the machines and wires like most birth mothers. I look forward to my next child and hopefully having a much better experience like you were able to with your second. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Having the birth experience I wanted was definitely something I took for granted until I had Camille. Even though it was vaginal, I was so drugged up on the drugs they use to stop labor that it's all a fog which was maybe a good thing since it was so traumatic. And then of course I couldn't hold her for two months...and you know the rest of the story. So I'm glad you were able to have that this time around.
Can't wait to eventually see you and talk to you. Wasn't the food there amazing after being so hungary! After Dylon it was not that way, Banner Gateway is a great hospital!! I'm so glad you got to have the experience of a vaginal birth :)
Wow Heidi, thanks for sharing such personal feelings. It's amazing how much you can enjoy pain when it makes you FEEL. Good luck with the juggling of the two--I'm pretty sure I would have died when Ben was absentee and I had the two on my own those first few crabby months--thank heavens for my sister!! Also, Colic Calm helped Elle get her system working more consistently--it's got some of those probiotics and stuff in it--just a suggestion. You go girl!
I'm very glad you got the birth you wanted Heidi.
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