As fascinating as my "Oswald" post was to all of you, I want to move on to something different. During my 3-week blogging moratorium, I took a little time to think about blogging and why I had been having such a hard time with it lately. And here is the reason I came up with: most of my live blogging friends (not as opposed to dead blogging friends, but as opposed to blogging friends with who I am not acquainted) blog about their daily lives and the weeks happenings. This is all well and good, but tends to cause me to fall into a rut. My life, in general, is very low-key and uneventful. Sure I could list out everything I do during each day (Yesterday: cleaning, exercising, taking Will on a walk, grocery shopping, recipe group) but let's face it, who cares? And I could wait until the end of the week and give some sort of summation, which I still do every now and then. But in general, I am not the constantly out-and-about person who takes pictures of everything I do. Thus, if I were to only blog about my daily life, my blog would be blahg.
So I am going to try something new. Newish, actually, since I used to do this more before Will came along and I turned into one of the 'only blogs about her darling children' bloggers. I am going to try and write about daily life observations, taking a real event and expounding upon it.
By the way, I am not by any means trying to bash on you who blog about your children. I clearly talk about my kid all the time and still enjoy reading about your children and seeing cute pictures. I'm just trying to expand my blogging horizons here.
Here it is...
1. Making friends post-marriage is like dating all over again
Last night I went to the RS Recipe Group. It's a great activity because it involves talking, women, and food. You can usually count on seeing the same people there each time (AKA the former enrichment committee, of which I was privileged to be a part of) but a few new faces as well. The food is occasionally hit or miss, but overall pretty good. As I chatted with various people, I found myself talking to a new girl. She was my age, newlywed, very friendly. She was enjoyable to talk with and I look forward to becoming better friends with her. However, upon our discovery that we actually live only a few buildings away from each other, she suddenly blurted out what could only be classified as "asking me out," that is, the friend date. She started making all kinds of suggestions as to what kinds of activities we could do together, as couples or alone, seeming very excited to have a new friend close by. We even exchanged phone numbers.
I was excited too, since I am still new to Arizona and only consider myself to have a small circle of friends. But it made me wonder...when I first moved into the ward, was I overly anxious? Did I come on too strong in my attempt to make friends? Why does making friends after you have gotten married start to feel kind of like dating all over again? It's not quite as nervewracking, since your heart isn't really involved, but your confidence and dignity still need to be present and somewhat vulnerable. As I think back to my dating days, I often cringe at how eager and forward I was at times, how I wished I had played it cool more. But patience has never been a virtue of mine. I am embarrassed to wonder if I am over-eager when meeting new people with whom I could potentially be friends with. Haven't I learned anything? Yes. I think I have...a bit. I've learned at least three things that I wish I had paid more attention to when I was single. Just look at the parallels.
To make friends (or "To start dating someone")...
1. You need to see the person frequently and have some sort of interaction with them. It doesn't have to be a conversation, but just a friendly smile or 'hi' is okay.
2. You need to see the person in a different, more intimate environment and have a conversation with them. Ex: if you usually see the person frequently at church or school, you need to see them at a house with less people around.
Once #1 and #2 have occurred frequently enough, #3 will take the friendship to the next level:
3. You arrange for some sort of get-together just the two of you (and your kids, if applicable.) This would normally mean a date for a man and a woman, but for two women, it usually means something like hanging out at either's house or going to lunch or some activity like that. Now that you two have all these shared experiences, you have laid the foundation for a solid friendship.
12 comments:
This is great! Cass and I have been looking to shake things up. Maybe we need to "date more" wait....Did that sound like we are swingers? anyway, welcome back to blogging.
I like your new attitude about your blog! After being married 21 years and "dating" all kinds of friendships and relationships, I can say you are right on with your observations... add to that the seasonal relationship: those friends that you date during different "seasons" of your life; is., the school-year parental friends, the soccer mom friends, the ones that come in for a season to either offer support or get support... and the list goes on. What bonds and makes that relationship... something in common starts it (kind of like the "chemical attraction," but then something else has to maintain it for the long term... finding ot what that is can be a great part of the journey of life. Enjoy your new friendship and the dating that will come from it! xoxo
I am terrible at making new friends. It seems like there are very few people with whom I become true friends, rather than just acquaintances. So wise one, how do you get past that hurdle?
I have thought the same thing. I found it especially funny when I was visiting teaching a girl and thought "she would be perfect for Jami". Yeah, I totally "set them up". And now they are best friends. The hardest part in post marriage dating is finding a girl that you like, and then having your husbands like each other too. Those relationships are rare, but the BEST! It's a win, win... WIN!
Two thoughts:
1. Taking a page from Dawns book, Ive noticed that it is very flattering to have someone really excited to see you (even a little overso). Especially when they reach out and break the physical 'dont touch me barrier' with a hug or something.
2. Ive noticed that there are so many types of friends, & listening to Dr. Laura, realized that what most of us crave in a new friendship is pretty rare to find. It made me appreciate the slow process of making a friend and cherish those true friends I have (like YOU!)
I agree with everything you wrote. Making new friends is like dating.
It's especially difficult after marriage because if the husbands aren't compatible, it's going to be difficult maintaining a friendship.
When you find someone you can really be friends with (and not just acquaintances), it can be difficult to not get excited. Again, like dating it's the excitement of the "crush" at first before the friendship develops into a relationship.
My mom taught me a valuable lesson on friendships. Basically that are lots of different kinds of friends. And these friends will play different roles in your life. Some friends are temporary, some friends are life-lasting. Some friendships need constant attention, some friendships you can go a long time without contact but not have anything missing when contact is made again.
Anyway, I'm glad you're blogging again. I never find it boring, even if it just a summary of what's going on your life.
well put. we're in the dating phase in our new home as well.
You are so funny! I often long for a familiar friendship- one that is nice and worn in like an old pair of jeans. It is always great to make new friends, but sometimes I wish to fast forward through the courting stage right on to the "comfortable" You-know-me-, I- know-you-stage. Best of luck on your "date":)
Also, I stumbled upon a new author- one whom I would love to emulate but most assuredly never will- Tamera Alexander. You need to read her- she writes SO well.
Yeah so I am making a new friend right now and we're in the awkward stage of calling each other to do stuff but not knowing what to say beyond our little boys' activities. I sure like her but I don't want to seem overeager, what do I do?
You are so cool. I am so happy you met someone new to be friends with that is so close. It also makes me see how much I'm missing out on by not being there. I know we have only met once and it really doesn't count much since I was in the hospital and it was quick, but you have been a great friend to me and a great example. I can't wait to be a newlywed and it makes me even sadder that I have to postpone my wedding by up to as much as 2 years. I really liked your post.
Mel's big on dating, not me. I don't feel the need to have new friends, then I just feel obligated to hang out with them. So I just wait for Mel to make friends, then I have to hang out with them, whether I like it or not.
When both the husbands and the wives get along well, you can eventually progress to the point where you are "Dating couples". The definition of "Dating", with a capital D, is "seeing each other every day."
We've never gotten to that point with anyone, but a pair of couples in our ward did. Literally every day they would hang out together. If you went to either house, you would either see none of them there or all four of them. I half-expected to see them all holding hands. But they broke up when one of the couples moved to Canada. Sure, they're trying to maintain a long-distance relationship, but it can't last.
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