Not for the faint of heart or stomach

So I know I've definitely crossed the crazy blogger line, but I have to let you all know that I am going on a trip tomorrow for a week. So you'll have to survive, even if it means venting your frustrations in the form of a comment.

In honor of my brother's wife reaching her due date tomorrow of their first child, I thought I would share a little knowledge that I have learned the last 5.5 months. Please feel free to add to this mini-class.

Diapers 101
(as seen by the real world and not fantasy parent world)

Step 1: How to know if it's that time again
First you ask yourself, hmm, it's been several hours since my child was last changed. Should I change him/her? (for the sake of this blog, it will be all "hims".) Then you check his diaper and test the following:
a) how heavy does it feel?
b) how wet does it feel?
c) what is the color?
d) does it smell?
e) And if all else fails, you can do the turn 'n' peek, which is not always my favorite, for obvious reasons.
If it feels heavy and is puckering out, if it's feeling soggy, if the color in the back is dark and the color in the front is yellowish, and of course if it smells bad, then you know that it's time.
Otherwise, you could probably go a few more hours, unless you are uppity about that sort of thing. But just remember, diapers ain't cheap and I'm pretty sure babies don't regularly die of dirty diapers.

Step 2: Where to change? A phone booth?
You can pretty much change your kid wherever. I'm pretty sure that he won't remember being humiliated in front of all the strangers at the doctors office when you changed him on the chair next to you. If available, it is nice to have a designated changing area, such as a changing table, or for us who are a bit poorer, a dresser with a changing pad on top. You can even have your designated place be your bed, with cloth diaper to put under the bum.

If you have a multi-level house, one suggestion is to make 'changing stations' around the house. These changing stations can include a few diapers, a small baggie of wipes, and a cloth diaper. Just shove them all in a Macey's bag and hide it under the couch or wherever. You can use these for travelling as well, but in my opinion it is nice to have a store-bought travel changing pad that can often store diapers and wipes inside.

Wherever you decide to change your babe, make sure it is equipped with extra diapers, baby wipes, and something to go underneath. You don't want to start the change and realize you need more baby wipes or something.

Step 3: A change will do you good (CAUTION: This paragraph contains the word 'poo' at least 3 times)
Lay baby in whichever direction you are most coordinated. For me, this is with the baby's head on my right, with legs on my left. Then you undress the baby down to the diaper and tuck the clothing securely out of the way since the baby will be flailing all around and could very possibly get yucky stuff on his clothes if they are not sufficiently out of the way.
Undo diaper tabs (yes, this is about disposible diapers, I am not brave enough to use cloth) and GRAB FEET. Do the feet grab first, you will thank me later. Then you can pull down the diaper to reveal the present inside. Also it is good to be armed with a couple of wipes already. If you have a boy, then it is quite essential for you to have at least one wipe to place over his manhood because if you don't, then you run the risk of getting sprayed.

After the diaper is open, depending on how wet the diaper is, you can actually use the front of the diaper to wipe off the poo, if there is any. If it's too wet, don't risk it because it will just be grosser. Use as many wipes as you can to clean off the whole bum area. Make sure to wipe above the normal the area toward the lower back, since poo can sneak up there if it's been awhile. Make sure to get all the cracks and crevices, and check the legs, because yes, poo can hide there too! And by the way, if you didn't grab the feet before, you are probably hitting yourself since your kid inevitably kicked his feet into the soiled diaper.
It is also a good time to distract your baby with something, such as a toy or singing a silly diaper song* while making eye contact. If your child hates diaper changes, it is good to try and help him make a positive association with it, such as bribing him with cash to stop crying. Also you can smile a lot and stroke his face and even use pre-warmed wipes (which are created by the help of a wipe warmer.) Believe it or not, diaper changing is a great time to bond with your baby, which is why it is so important, nay ESSENTIAL! for fathers to do the bulk of the diaper changes.
And of course sometimes you just have to let him scream since nothing else will work. Just let him scream and do the change as quickly as possible.

So once the bum is cleaned (and if it is just number 1 I usually just use one quick wipe) then you put on the new diaper. Remember, tabs go in the back, picture in the front. Make sure the back is high enough to be at least 1 or 2 inches above the crack. Also make sure the little wings around the legs are pulled out, because these really help prevent leakage. And of course, if you have a little boy, make sure his weewee is pointing downwards as this helps front leaks. You may prefer the diaper-underneath method (where you put the new diaper under the old diaper so as to catch any sudden accidents, which are common with newborns) but I just kind of found it to be awkward and a hassle. But try it out to see if it's for you. Every one has different styles of diaper changing, don't be afraid to try new things!

Yay, you're done! You have now anywhere from 1 minute to 12 hours before your next diaper change!

Diapers: Which to buy?
Now I have actually only tried 4 brands of diapers, so I am a little lacking in this area, but I will discuss the BIG 3 as well as one generic brand.
1. Huggies: The King of the Diaper Market. Huggies are good, I like em. They are flexible and absorbant. They are also a little more pricey so get em' on sale or with coupons.
2. Luvs: Luvs have a little more of a paper-like feel, but I like the "Bear-hug stretch." They've worked well for us and are cheaper. But a little less cuddly.
3. Pampers: Also more expensive. They are very soft, but in my opinion a little too soft. They feel wet a little too quickly to me, so I generally don't buy them. But they fit the baby well.
4. Target brand: These were fine...a little like Huggies, but definitely cheaper quality. I know a lot of people like the Costco and Walmart brands as well.

In my opinion, they are all pretty good, and the only times I've had leaks is when the diaper size is too small. So don't stick to the pound guidelines if you keep getting leak after leak.

That's all for now folks, though I'm sure this subject could be covered much more in depth. And I'm pretty sure that somewhere in there you should wash your hands. But good luck with your next diaper change and tune in next time for my next class, Oatmeal 102!